Tuesday, February 25, 2014

I Didn't Need A "Test Run"

This post is long, picture-less, and very personal. I'll have some more fun blog posts coming soon so if you don't care to read this one than just keep an eye out for those!

Confrontation is not one of my strong suits. I find it to be extremely terrifying regardless of the topic or who I am confronting. There are some things though, that I feel so super strongly about that I think.. If brought up in person.. I would be willing to be confrontational. 

My faith is important to me and the choices I make in life revolve around it. Am I perfect- not even close- but I do make conscious efforts to try to live a life that would please God. Stefan and I did not live together until we were married and furthermore, I waited for my husband. I would never change those two choices. I'm extremely proud of both of us and I know that those choices glorified The Lord. 

We dated for over four and a half years before marrying. I'm closer to him than anyone else I've ever known. During those four and a half years we took the time to have fun.. but we also really got to know each other. Did we know every little detail? No. But we definitely covered any grounds that would have been huge problems if we hadn't talked about it and then later disagreed. I also did a thorough background check and had him psychiatrically tested before I let him put a ring on my finger. Joking. But you know what I mean. I knew him. I know him. There was nothing that I could've found out upon living with him that I wouldn't have had at least the slightest inclination about before that would have caused me to not want to be with him any longer. 

The idea of a test run seems so selfish and cowardly to me. If you want to live with your significant other than fine.. but if you want to move in together in order to be sure that they're really who you want to spend your life with.. I question your judgement and intentions. 

If you feel comfortable enough to make the choice to live together, you should know whether or not they're the person you want to marry. I feel like you should have already had the deep and foundational conversations by that point. You should have talked about deal breakers and found out by now if you are truly compatible. To me, dating is the test run.. that's where you figure all of the important stuff out. To call moving in together a "test run" is setting yourself up for failure. You're coming into it with the idea that if something isn't just your way.. you don't have to compromise and work it out together. Little things become big things, and you'll be more inclined to be selfish instead of working through issues like leaving the toilet seat up and leaving clothes all around.

Is living with Stefan a magical fairy tale? Lol.. Let me laugh for a minute. We are just over six months in to our marriage and I can tell you that there are surprises every day when it comes to the two of us. He has weird habits and so do I. He lets em rip in bed and I leave socks literally everywhere.. then complain to him when the dog chews them up. We annoy each other.. But had I lived with him before we signed a paper and said some vows.. I would've still married him that day, today, and every day for the rest of my life. It wouldn't have changed a thing and we wouldn't be any closer than we already are.

I don't think I needed to live with him in order to know that he was the right one for me and I don't think I made a mistake by not doing so. It's my personal belief that getting married should be a life changing event. It's the moment in time where you no longer live to serve yourself but rather live to serve your spouse and in doing so, serve The Lord. I can't help but think about how blurred the lines become when you live together first. When you live together but aren't married.. you may be in a relationship but there's nothing forcing you to be united. When you become angry it's easy to get in the mindset of "I'm not your property.. I can leave and not tell you where I'm going," and it's also a lot easier to give up when fighting. If you're just dating.. you can threaten, "I'm moving out" but when you're married.. it's both of your home and you're forced to work it out at some point. 

I know some people live together first and work out just fine. When it comes to working out.. I believe It's all about mind set and I personally think it's easier to have the correct mindset when you're married. That's not saying that everyone who is married does, though. I knew life wouldn't be a dream, where since I'm marrying the man I love I'd never have to go through anything rough ever. That would've been foolish. I knew he wouldn't be perfect and I knew I'd irritate him too. We are both human beings. I don't even want to be friends with myself some days!! I don't know how I could realistically expect him to think every move I make is awesome. I knew we'd argue.. and I know we'll have a lot of blow out arguments in the years ahead of us. That's just life. But we are a team and refuse to give up on each other and the commitment we made to each other. Divorce is not an option for us. We made a lifelong choice and because of that we are united. Doesn't matter if he stays out too late or I spend too much money. We'll work it out together.

Even more personal than people making comments about not living together.. people told me I was making a mistake by choosing to wait for our wedding night. People actually told me I needed to rethink my choice because maybe it won't be good and then I would be stuck with him. They said I shouldn't wait because my wedding night would be awkward and wouldn't be fun and it should be a good time. They said I was giving him a reason to cheat on me while he was at school. The list goes on and on. No one ever gave me a legitimate reason. Every reason was very selfish and I guess that act just isn't selfish to me. I love Stefan. I couldn't imagine that taking that step together would ever be negative unless I hadn't waited like I wanted to. Him respecting my wish to wait proved he loved me far more than if we'd taken that step a few months after dating. To me, that could never be awkward or bad with my husband because I'm so close to him and have so much love for him. It's deeper to me than just an act to satisfy myself and I wish people would understand that.

It made me so angry to see all of the tweets about Sean and Catherine from The Bachelor and how they were never going to work because they didn't live together first. I'm not going to tell my friends they're wrong for living with their boyfriends and I'm not going to judge every person who sleeps with someone before they're married. I'm not here to tell anyone how to live their life but I'm here to tell you that I'm so tired of people telling me I'm wrong for living my life the way that I do. I don't need Stefan to cater to my every liking in order to want to spend the rest of my life with him. That way of thinking would be completely selfish. I may not like every little thing he does but I'm not perfect either and this life is about so much more than just what I want. Selfless love is the kind of love that can and will last a lifetime.

I apologize if this post was all over the place. It took me awhile to put it together. The posts I'm most passionate about tend to do that to me. 

1 comment:

  1. You and I live in completely different worlds! I respect and understand the decisions you made, that's for sure. In the part of Canada I live in, people don't get married. I know a few couples who have been together for more thant 30 years without being married. I want to get married at some point and I feel pretty unique haha. I wrote a post about that a while ago, I think it might interest you as we are from very different worlds: http://worklovelaugh.blogspot.ca/2014/02/the-first-wedding-i-attend-will.html